01.13.13

One thing I believe in is the preservation of a chosen relationship.. ie. Marriage. Once you make that choice, it's a lifelong one that goes from finding the right one to keeping the right one. Which brings me to a fork in the road I've talked about before but never really eluded to because of the sensitive nature.. But this is MY blog and frankly, I don't care.. I need to get it out. 

I had a very frank conversation with my husband the other night. I told him how very badly I'm hurting because of his selfish choices not to want to be intimate with me and gently reminded him how many things that I meet him half way on, even though I didn't want to but do it because I learned about a Godly Wife in our marriage classes.. and I choose to be THAT wife for the good of our marriage. I drilled that I'm hurt and feel cheered that he won't even consider meeting me somewhere with the sex issue. He won't even talk about it with me and that's not ok. It's not ok that I've been refused for the past 13+ weeks of a marital connection that God specifically supports. That denying me of it is wrong. I asked his thoughts, input and opinions a couple times and he literally said nothing.. Just stared at me and then grabbed his phone to play with it. I walked out of the bedroom. That one sided conversation proved he has no interest or desire to even try. We have no lifestyle-based life that we both have had lifelong dreams of, whatsoever, and officially have no sex life. 

As I told a friend this morning, I think my time for therapy is here.. I can't change my husband so now I have to find it within me to accept it. There's no way to come to accept this on my own.. it's killed the womanly fire I once had inside me.. to feel sexy and desired. I don't even feel wanted or needed in general and for anyone, that's a hard pill to swallow. 

I ask myself constantly.. what did I do in my past that karma has to bite me so wickedly like this? Is this a "you made your bed now lie in it" scenario? We have so much going for us it kills me to think that THIS is the one thing we fight about! The ONE thing I get depressed about!!  To sit back and ask myself if it's really that big of a deal if it's the only thing that comes between us.. really? Sex? Most couples struggle with the wife not wanting sex and the husband being rejected.. I don't even KNOW of any other couples that struggle with this so I can't reach out and ask for advice. 

All I know is that I don't want to give up on my future with this man. I didn't wait 33 years to find the one to spend the rest of my life with to turn around 7 months later and tell myself I quit over something non-life threatening. So, to therapy I go.. I’d like to think I’ll find the right therapist in the next couple of months but the criteria has to fit.. I need a Christian, unbiased and supportive of my direction therapist. My husband won’t change and I don’t want a therapist who will try to change him.. or me. I want someone who supports my decision for acceptance of life as it is. Should my husband ever decide to come around, we’ll go from there at that time.

So anywho.. Any thoughts or prayers from you, a reader, would be appreciated. It’s a vastly huge world out there to feel so small and alone in.. Any words of encouragement, I’d love to hear.. (hugs to all)